the four right chords can make me cry

Mood Swings: Blame the Hormones

Was relatively happy when dinner was finished. The post-camp company was great, everyone was more relaxed and comfortable, it being the last day already. But when i called my mum to pick me up... started to get really upset.

Was feeling kinda sick through camp, runny nose, throat so sore that i had difficulty swallowing, wisdom tooth growing out that hurt so bad, and i suspect a very mild fever as a result of the tooth thing. Guess that contributed to it, plus the lack of sleep. But when my mum seemed so reluctant to pick me up, like i was such a great nuisance, it stung. and then this.

"can you fetch me at holland v?"
"what are you doing there? go chionging ah?" (ever since watching some stupid "documentary" on Get Real! my mother believes that i'm a hardcore clubber and that i'm in a club when i ask her to fetch me at 9pm)
"what the? no la, holland v where got club?"
"holland v where?"
"the ipoh horfun place. ... why do you always assume the worst about me?"
"okok, bye, bye." *hangs up*

Shit la, feels damn shitty to have my mum think so poorly of me, and in such an irrational manner to. The more I thought about it, the shittier i felt. So i bought myself a coffee at coffeebean to calm myself down in the car, and though it cost me $6, it was worth it. There were so many times i let the tears roll down my face, sitting there in the back row in the dark, hoping that neither my mom or brother sitting in front would notice.

I hit my head really hard on the door while getting in, cos my mum was hurrying me saying that there were cars behind. Damn pain la, and she just made me feel worse. When i cooled down enough and coughed to regain my non-on-the-verge-of-tears voice, i told my mum about my tooth problem and she was like so unconcerned. And it hurt to think that my group members showed more concern for me than she did. It still does.

Before getting into the car, i was rehearsing in my mind the things i wanted to say to get right back, but i would never say out, forcing myself to calmly sip coffee instead. It went like this: I expected her to say, woah got so much money to buy coffeebean huh? and i would say: "yeah, they just started selling coffeebean in all the chionging places now, didnt the documentary say?" but she never asked about the coffee.

It's irrational, my covert emotional outburst, and i refused to let anyone see, cos i know its irrational. But i feel it. and it sucks.

I felt like i didnt want to talk to my parents anymore. They arent really listening when i say things anyway. And i dont want to ask for anything anymore, cos i already know the answer. I felt like running away, as irrational as i knew it was, i felt like being alone, out of their stifling, smothering grasp. Yeah, even my dad i guess, but much less than my mom.

It's too late for me to let them back into my life. They werent there for me in my growing up years, and i've grown far too accustomed to living without them for them to enter the picture again. Especially so for my mum.

I went home and cried. Frustrated, angry tears, suppressed sobs, occassional squeaks. And you know what? Along the way, my class ring broke. What damn good timing. Misery.

This song is how i feel. (except for one weird line)

How's It Gonna Be : Third Eye Blind

I'm only pretty sure
that I cant take any more
Before you take a swing
I wonder
What are we fighting for?
When I say out loud
I wanna get out of this
I wonder
Is there anything I'm gonna miss

I wonder how its gonna be
When you don't know me
How's it gonna be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it gonna be
When there's no one there to talk to
Between you and me
Cos I dont care
how's it gonna be
how's it gonna be

Where we used to laugh there's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
Signs that I can't ignore
Like the hammock by the doorway
We spent time in
Swings empty
I dont see lightning like last Fall
When it was always
About to hit me

I wonder
How's it gonna be
When it goes down
How's it gonna be
When you're not around
How's it gonna be
When you find out there was nothing
Between you and me
Cos I dont care
How's it gonna be

How's it gonna be
When you don't know me
Anymore
How's it gonna be

Bridge:
Wanna get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivion
I wanna taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion
Oblivion
How's it gonna be
When you dont know me anymore
How's it gonna be
How's it gonna be
How's it gonna be

I thought i was way too old to be having this kinda pre-pubescent angst. Damn. Maybe I am still a child.

posted by beckyboo @ 11:18 PM